Ten signs you have an unhealthy relationship with money:
- You have a scarcity mindset – you constantly worry that there is never enough.
- Spending money pains you or makes you feel guilty.
- You spend money carelessly. You partake in frivolous spending.
- You have a lot of debt…credit card debt.
- You have money wounds – meaning that your issues with money started with your past – either in your childhood, early adulthood, or a traumatic event you experienced.
- Your aspirations – Your early experiences with money can also affect what you believe you’re capable of. Since you were denied your dreams as a child, you feel like your dreams are not something you can fulfill
- You have fears as it relates to money - fears of not having enough.
- You feel like you have to spend money to enjoy yourself.
- You constantly overspend and make excuses for your bad money habits.
- You refuse to talk about money or when you do, you talk negatively about it.
Tips to improve your relationship with money.
- Don’t let money control you.
- Debt is not normal, so stop saying things like debt is the American way
- Pay attention to your money. Know where your money is going.
- Don’t blame it for your bad mood. Money is never the reason you’re in a bad mood.
- Don’t make spending money your therapy.
- Recognize the difference between want and need. We often use the word “need” for a want.
- Recognize what type of money person you are:
Do you frequently make purchases that are beyond your means? Do you purchase things to make yourself happy? Is there a connection between shopping and your mood? If so, then you can consider yourself a spender. Spenders have a tendency to accumulate credit card debt because shopping to them is an addiction. Spenders spend money in hopes that material items will bring happiness or provide pain relief.
On the other end of the spectrum are the misers. Misers absolutely fear poverty and constantly worry about not having enough money to live. Misers need to feel in control and are generally uncomfortable with any sort of uncertainty. Ironically, misers fear poverty yet they practically live in it because they spend so little.
Money haters absolutely detest money and what it does to people. They eschew wealth and will often live in deprived and desolate conditions. They will purposely avoid material possessions whenever possible.
Money seekers are the ones who obsess over becoming wealthy These people put a premium on making a fortune with the belief that it will solve all of their problems. In reality, there are usually other inadequacies in their lives that they are trying to make up for with material wealth.
- Identify your money story – We all have a money story. You just might not know how it started. Much of how we interact, manage and talk about money stems from lessons we learned (intentional and unintentional) as a child.
- Set your money goals. Take the time to identify your goals — and get very specific.
- Ignore the Joneses – "Don't compare yourself to others.
- Forgive yourself. you need to forgive yourself for past & current money mistakes.
Article: 31 Dumb Things That Are Keeping You From Becoming Wealthy
Are you your own worst enemy? Ways to identify if you are YOUR saboteur:
- Repeat the same negative cycles over & over
- You fail to appreciate the small things
- You are your own worst critic
- You over-analyze
- You doubt yourself
- You have outdated beliefs
- You have unclear boundaries
- You make excuses
- You constantly relieve past mistakes or painful memories
- You have the wrong tribe
- You place unrealistic demands on yourself
Find your joy and happiness will follow
Tips to bring more joy into your life:
- Stop seeking perfection – stop trying to achieve it and stop expecting it from others.
- Be vulnerable – vulnerability increases your self-worth, it helps you build intimacy in your relationship & if you recall in last week’s podcast, I said real intimacy is not about the physical – In to me see – it’s allowing a person to see you and you seeing that other person – not just seeing with your eyes, but with your heart, with your soul.
- Stop comparing your life to others
- Stop waiting for something big to happen – appreciate the small moments and you will find that as each small moment is stacked on top of the other, you see this tall statue – hundreds of small moments have had a BIG positive impact and you would’ve missed them looking for something big.
- Write a thank you not to yourself. You say thank you to other people, but how many times do you say thank you to yourself?
- Hit the pause button – allow your mind to become quiet.
- Practice kindness. Do a good deed – help someone else
- Live in the moment
- Embrace your inner child
- Be one with nature
- Practice gratitude
Everyone wants to be seen
It's important to stay true to your values
Use your fall/challenges for transformation
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The only thing worse than loving someone who doesn't love you is loving someone who loves you, but doesn't know how to show you love.
You stay and wait because you see potential, you see what’s inside, you see what could be once you shatter all the walls so they can let you in. But they won’t let you in because they don’t have room for you, they won’t let you in because that means they have to share the deepest parts of themselves and that’s not something they know how to do. When you love someone who doesn’t know how to love, you eventually forget what love is or how it feels, you begin to love poorly, selfishly, you become stingy with your heart. When you fall for someone who doesn’t know how to love, you forget that someone out there knows how, you forget that you could find someone who reinforces everything you believe about love instead of challenging it and you forget that someone out there wants to love you — not break you.
Signs of a healthy relationship.
- You admire your partner for who he or she is as a person
- Your partner is trustworthy
- Your partner makes time for you on a regular basis
- Your partner accepts responsibility for their actions
- Your partner is your biggest cheerleader
- You and your partner are on the same page in terms of your basic values and life goals
- Your partner is affectionate
- Your partner talks about your future together so you can create a shared vision of your relationship
- You each keep your own identify within the relationship
- You spend quality time together doing things that are mutually fulfilling as well as quality time apart doing what is important to you individually
- You encourage each other to grow and change. In other words, you inspire each other to be a better person.
- You and your partner feel safe communicating personal needs and wants
- You respect each other's differences even if you disagree on important issues
- You share realistic expectations for the relationship, not what you wish or fantasize it should be
- Each of you contributes your fair share to the relationship, whatever that happens to be. Each partner brings their best strengths and abilities for the benefit of the “team."
Is it your intuition or your fears/anxiety?
- Anxiety Doesn't Let Up
- Anxiety Causes You To Worry About The Future
- Anxiety Causes Feelings Of Uncertainty
- Anxiety Interferes With Everyday Life"
- Intuition Can Be Tested & Verified
- Intuition Helps Center You
- Anxiety Is A Reaction To A Perceived Threat
- Intuition Is Accompanied By Feeling Relaxed
- Intuition Is About Focusing On The Present, Anxiety Is About Focusing On The Future
- Anxiety Is More Demanding Than Intuition
How do you stop your mind from being like Velcro and shift to being more like Teflon?
- It starts with you first understanding your thinking style. Are you a Black and white thinking means seeing everything in extremes? Do you do mental filtering - only see the negative parts of situations. Do you overgeneralize – meaning do you believe that the results of one situation predict the results of all future situations? Do you jump to conclusions - believe that you know what others are thinking? Do you do emotional reasoning - believe that if you feel something it must be true. You might believe that because you feel anxious, there is something in a situation to be feared. Do you turn small problems into big ones or blow things out of proportion.
- Write down why the negative thought is present. Writing versus thinking helps purge the thought out, and when you cansee the words on paper or a screen it is easier to make sense of it and move forward.
- Practice mindfulness. Mindfulness creates a distance between yourself and your thoughts, allowing you to view yourself as separate from them.
- Know your triggers. Certain people, situations, and circumstances may set into motion a seemingly endless stream of negative thoughts (or perhaps more than usual) so it’s important to be aware of them.
- Use affirmations. When you wake up, open your eyes and feel gratitude for the new day. Write down daily affirmation.
- Surround yourself with positive people.
- Change the tone of your thoughts from negative to positive. Instead of thinking, “this isn’t going to work out” change your tone to, “even if there are bumps in the road, this is going to work out in my favor.”
- Practice gratitude daily.
Ask yourself, AM I EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE? Here are some ways to tell:
- You want to breakup whenever you hit a rough patch
- You don't want to talk about the future
- You don't involve your partner in your life.
- You have self-centered behavior.
- You avoid displays of affection.
- The closer someone tries to get to you, the more you feel distant.
- When your partner is direct about their feelings for you, it makes you feel unsure about everything
- You don't trust others because you don't trust yourself.
- You're always trying to outsmart your own heart.
- You look outside to others to show you love, but you don’t put much effort into showing love to others.
- You're stuck on past relationships.
- You aren't willing to show your real self
Tips to help you become more emotionally available
- Go back to the beginning. Where did your emotional unavailability start?
- Identify which emotions you try to avoid or shut out.
- Work on your patterns. Write down a list of the positive and negative traits of past partners and your own past patterns.
- Identify your relationship character. Who do you become when you’re attracted to somebody, or you begin dating or are in a relationship?
- Get conscious about your habits.
- Make your partner’s needs and feelings equal to yours.
- Make a decision about your current relationship. Either commit to showing up or commit to being done.
- Figure Out Your Biggest Fear: Face It or F’ It.
- (Un) Learn (Re) Learn Communication. Most of us never learn how to properly communicate.
- Catch your negative self-talk and try to respond positively or at least realistically. Y
- Be patient with yourself and the process.
- Come to terms with a particular loss
- Stop the secret life.
- Be open to new experiences.
- Spend time around emotionally available people.
- Make time for your partner. Place your partner at the top of your priority list.
Tips on breaking generational cycles/dysfunction/toxicities
- Become aware of your family’s destructive patterns or behaviors. This is the first step in moving toward healthy behaviors.
- Take ownership of your own actions, attitudes, beliefs, and emotions.
- Evaluate your present relationships. Are they healthy?
- Practice. Awareness and understanding are your starting place. Now it’s time to put things into practice.
- Be patient with yourself and others. It's going to take time to adopt new behaviors and patterns.