Random Thoughts with Nicole L. Turner

Random Thoughts with Nicole L. Turner header image 1
July 14, 2019  

Emotions Don’t Come with a Manual

Ask yourself, AM I EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE? Here are some ways to tell:

 

  1. You want to breakup whenever you hit a rough patch
  2. You don't want to talk about the future
  3. You don't involve your partner in your life. 
  4. You have self-centered behavior. 
  5. You avoid displays of affection. 
  6. The closer someone tries to get to you, the more you feel distant. 
  7. When your partner is direct about their feelings for you, it makes you feel unsure about everything
  8. You don't trust others because you don't trust yourself. 
  9. You're always trying to outsmart your own heart. 
  10. You look outside to others to show you love, but you don’t put much effort into showing love to others. 
  11. You're stuck on past relationships.
  12. You aren't willing to show your real self

Tips to help you become more emotionally available

  1. Go back to the beginning. Where did your emotional unavailability start? 
  2. Identify which emotions you try to avoid or shut out. 
  3. Work on your patterns. Write down a list of the positive and negative traits of past partners and your own past patterns. 
  4. Identify your relationship character.  Who do you become when you’re attracted to somebody, or you begin dating or are in a relationship? 
  5. Get conscious about your habits. 
  6. Make your partner’s needs and feelings equal to yours. 
  7. Make a decision about your current relationship. Either commit to showing up or commit to being done.
  8. Figure Out Your Biggest Fear: Face It or F’ It. 
  9. (Un) Learn (Re) Learn Communication. Most of us never learn how to properly communicate.
  10. Catch your negative self-talk and try to respond positively or at least realisticallyY
  11. Be patient with yourself and the process. 
  12. Come to terms with a particular loss 
  13. Stop the secret life.
  14. Be open to new experiences.
  15. Spend time around emotionally available people.
  16. Make time for your partner. Place your partner at the top of your priority list. 
July 10, 2019  

Break the chains of generational toxicities

Tips on breaking generational cycles/dysfunction/toxicities

  • Become aware of your family’s destructive patterns or behaviors. This is the first step in moving toward healthy behaviors. 
  • Take ownership of your own actions, attitudes, beliefs, and emotions. 
  • Evaluate your present relationships. Are they healthy? 
  • Practice. Awareness and understanding are your starting place. Now it’s time to put things into practice.
  • Be patient with yourself and others. It's going to take time to adopt new behaviors and patterns.  
July 6, 2019  

You had to be that person to become this one

Tips to help you on your “journey” to become who you are:

  1. Work on your negative traits.
  2. Identify your ideal self
  3. Commit yourself to growth (Be Growth-oriented)
  4. Be Adaptable/Flexible/Versatile
  5. Be Confident.
  6. Be Emotionally Generous
  7. Be Empathetic
  8. Be Optimistic/Positive.
  9. Have Faith
  10. Be Grateful. 
  11. Be Patient
  12. Be Self-Loving.
  13. Be Self-Reflective
  14. Be Forgiving.

 

 The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be

May 5, 2019  

Be a cans collector

10 things to tell yourself instead of I can’t:

  1. I am doing my best every day. Even if when you first start telling yourself this, you aren’t really doing your best every day, the more you say this to yourself, the more your best will show up.
  2. The best is yet to come. Too often people spend way too much time on what didn’t work out & they believe that is an indication of what’s to come. Well, the best is what’s to come.
  3. The greatest mistake I will make is by living in fear that I will make one. Honestly, true failure is not trying.
  4. I will celebrate my failures. Failure is part of the process. Failure is a great teacher. As difficult as it may be, try to be grateful for the failure. According to Oprah, failure is another step to greatness.
  5. There were times before when I said I can’t, but I did. Reflect on past successes. It’s human nature to focus on the negatives but take a moment to pause and think about other times you thought you couldn’t, but you did.
  6. I am not going to let things discourage me. Richard Evans said it best when he said, “Don’t let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.”
  7. I believe in myself. Be your own cheerleader. Have your own “you got this” moment with yourself.
  8. I am the master of my fate. I am the captain of my soul. You have the power to choose. You determine what your future will be. You are in the driver’s seat of your life.
  9. I love myself. When you love yourself, you want the best for yourself and you go out there and get it.
  10. I am grateful for every day. I ALWAYS emphasize the importance of gratitude. Being grateful leads to more happiness and being more optimistic.

Try saying these to yourself on a consistent basis. Turn your cant’s into cans – it’s time for you to be a cans collector. 

April 27, 2019  

The Wegmans Effect

You’ve heard the expression, your energy introduces you before you even speak. What energy do you give off? How do people feel when they are around you? When people walk away from meeting with you or talking with you, do they feel like they had an “experience” – a good one?

I want to share with you eight ways to make sure you are giving people an awesome experience when they encounter you:

  1. Connect with your inner positive vibes – meaning identifying your best qualities and project them to the world. The more positive energy you give off, the more positive energy you will receive.
  2. Display positive body language. 55% of communication is body language. Negative body language, such as crossing your arms, putting your hands in your pockets or slouching, can make you seem closed off or withdrawn. Make sure you are standing with your shoulders back, your arms are not crossed, and make you are making eye contact.
  3. Be aware of your color choices. Don’t underestimate the power of colors.  The colors you wear make people feel a certain way. Certain colors say that you are friendly and engaging.
  4. You’ve seen the meme that says, if someone doesn’t have a smile, give them yours. This is so true. SMILING is kinda like yawning, it’s contagious.
  5. Do your words smile when you speak? Now, this is different from the previous one. You’ve heard the expression, it’s not what you say, but how you say it. When you say hello, does it sound like it took every ounce of energy to speak or does your hello say H E L L O it’s a beautiful day and I’m glad to see you?
  6. Give compliments. Yes, you want to make sure your compliments are genuine. I’m really good at this. If I like someone’s dress or tie or hairstyle or think they did an excellent job on something or see they really tried (even if they failed), and the list goes on, I make sure I compliment them.
  7. Stay in the moment. If you are like me, you can tell when someone is distracted, whether it be in person or on the phone. Not giving someone your FULL attention sends out a negative vibe, and honestly, it’s borderline disrespectful. It makes people less likely to want to engage with you.
  8. Practice daily gratitude. When you focus on the positives in your life, your energy and your vibe will be positive.

If you practice these on a regular, your energy will have the Wegmans’ effect. 

April 19, 2019  

Tell-tale signs of a bad organizational culture that can be spotted during the job interview

Some tell-tale signs of a bad organizational culture that can be spotted during the job interview

 

  • Body Language: Is the interviewer constantly shifting in his/her chair? Is the interviewer  paying more attention to his/her phone than the interviewee? Is the interviewer avoiding eye contact? Is the interviewer  rifling through papers when the interviewee is talking?
  • They put a lot of pressure on you to take the position. They are trying too hard to close the deal. The more the interviewee questions about the potential job (once an offer has been made), the more irritated they become, and they force the selectee to make a quick decision.
  • The interviewer is late. The interviewer doesn’t respect the interviewee's time to show up on time, and then when he/she sits down to conduct the interview, it appears he/she hasn’t even looked at the interviewee's resume.
  • Word Choice: When they ask the interviewee a question, do they begin the sentence with a negative message? Are the scenarios they ask the interviewee to answer all negative scenarios?
  • The company has a history of high turnover. Make sure you do research in advance. There are several sites where you can find out information on a company, sites such as Indeed and Glassdoor. You can also go to various sites to see if the company has been sued by employees and why, sites such as Justia, Lexis Academic, EDGAR (SEC filings).
  • Extreme Friendliness: Sometimes the potential supervisor who appears to be extremely nice will end up being one of the worse bosses ever.
  • Self-Absorption: Does the interviewer appear to be more concerned with telling you about him/her than hearing about you, your experiences, and your skills? Does he/she question the answer you provided for a particular question, as if to indicate your answer was wrong?
  • Trust Your Gut: If something doesn't feel right to you about the job, more times than not, your gut is right.  
April 17, 2019  

The Words “I Love You” aren’t enough

LOVE IS AN ACTION 

I once read a quote that says, "We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.” Do you make it a point to show your mate loving feelings through loving actions? Sadly, all too often the ones to whom many people give the fewest appreciative words and kindly actions are their loved ones.

20 ways to show love as an action

  1. Share your fears and vulnerabilities with your mate
  2. Pay attention to your mate
  3. Be emotionally and physically faithful to your mate
  4. Accept and celebrate your mate's uniqueness and differences
  5. Love without strings attached
  6. COMMUNICATE!!!!!!!!
  7. Work on your goals and dreams together
  8. Forgive
  9. Apologize when you are in the wrong or have offended your mate
  10. If you have kids, don't forget to schedule alone time and date nights
  11. Encourage your mate to be the best person they can be
  12. Laugh and enjoy your mate
  13. Be open and honest with your mate
  14. Give more than you take in the relationship
  15. Before your point the finger at your mate, examine your actions first
  16. Do sweet, little gestures to show appreciation - don't wait till a special occasion 
  17. Show affection
  18. Give your mate space when he/she needs it
  19. Say, "Thank You"
  20. Compromise, be flexible 
April 4, 2019  

Tips to help you be more consistent

Eight Tips to Help You Be More Consistent

  1. Start with a morning routine. It has been said that the way you start your morning sets the tone for your entire day. When I read articles that ask people the keys to their success, many of them say they have a morning ritual. The morning ritual may be meditation, reading the Bible, working out, eating a healthy breakfast, or doing all of those things.
  2. Set an alarm or a calendar reminder on your phone. Until something becomes habit for you, it’s not a bad idea to set a reminder on your phone. These daily reminders will either annoy you or motivate you. Hopefully, they will motivate you.
  3. Be present. Quiet your mind. Be fully engaged.  Being present means you must minimize distractions.  You may have to go on “do not disturb”, do a digital detox (no social media or surfing the internet). If you have a family, you may have to get up earlier than everyone else so you will have time to yourself.
  4. Forgive yourself. There will be moments when you fail to follow through on your plans. Don’t beat yourself up. Don’t let the failure cause you to give up. Setbacks and missteps are part of the process.  Forgive yourself and keep moving.
  5. Go slow. People tend to set gigantic goals and instantly jump right in instead of taking baby steps. We live in a time where people have a microwave mentality. They want things to happen quickly and when they don’t, they get discouraged and give up.  Things aren’t going to be perfect, and you shouldn’t expect them to be. 
  6. Get an accountability partner. We all need someone who is going to hold us accountable and help us stay on track. When we are the only ones holding us accountable, we don’t always do a good job pushing ourselves. Find one or two people you trust, tell them your goals and your timeline and ask them to hold you accountable.
  7. Plan ahead. You’ve heard the expression, “If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.” Planning helps to eliminate obstacles that may derail you.  What’s your desired outcome? Why is this outcome important to you? What goals do you need to meet along the way to ensure you reach your objective? What’s your process to accomplish those goals?
  8. Do it anyway. You may feel uninspired but do it anyway. Push your way through. The more you “do it anyway”, the more inspired you will eventually become.
March 31, 2019  

Train your mind to be stronger than your emotions

Seven steps to develop greater emotional awareness and help you effectively manage your feelings.

  • Don’t react right away. Reacting immediately to emotional triggers can be a big mistake. You’ll more likely say or do something you’ll later regret. Before refuting the trigger with your emotional argument, take a deep breath and stabilize the overwhelming impulse.
  • Be Conscious of Your Thoughts. Thoughts are habitual and it can be quite difficult at first to consciously be aware of every thought that passes through your head. Before you change them for the better you must be aware of exactly what you are thinking.
  • Discover the ‘why’ of your emotions. Once you are aware of your thoughts, ask yourself what is causing this feeling inside you?
  • Change the way you think about a situation. Once you know the root of the problem, you can change the way you think about it. Your thoughts and beliefs shape your feelings. So, consider your thoughts. Are they based on truth? Are they logical? Are your beliefs true?
  • Choose how you want to react. This is the hardest part. The way that we react and manage our emotions is habit. Do you control your emotions, or do they really control and direct you? Once you are able to control your emotions, you will feel more in control of your life.
  • Modify your expectations. Take a look at your expectations. If they are not realistic, you are bound to be disappointed or stressed.
  • Avoid negative thinking. When you are in emotional turmoil, it’s easy to get caught in a negative thought pattern. You tend to replay the situation and experience the feelings again. Break out of negative thinking.
March 3, 2019  

Seeking perfection stifles progress

Seeking perfection stifles your progress:

  • It leads to self-criticism.When you fall short of a goal, the battle in your mind begins and you beat yourself up over it instead of looking at the goals you did reach, you are focused on the goals you didn’t or instead of focusing on the things you did right, you are focused on the things you fell short on.
  • It prevents you from being open to new ideas. Have you ever noticed those people on your job who say, we do it this way because we’ve always done it this way? They had “perfected” that one way, and that leads to fear of trying something new – being open to new ideas. You have a difficult time adapting to change.
  • It keeps you stagnate. It prevents you from moving forward. Seeking perfection is just like analysis by paralysis. You become so obsessed with doing things perfect until you are literally not moving forward.
  • It makes you concerned with what others think of you. People who constantly seek perfection often worry about what others think of them. They are seeking recognition and approval from others. Steve Jobs once said, “Your time is limited so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma, which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important have the courage to follow your heart and intuition, they somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” I believe the significance of this quote is that it is important to be true to yourself. As long as you are trying to live a life to get the approval of others, you are never really progressing.

Now that I’ve shared ways how seeking perfection is stifling your progress, I want to give you tips to overcome that.

  1. Practice self-compassion. People tend to have more compassion for others than they do themselves. We all make mistakes. Mistakes are part of the journey.  Don’t beat yourself up over it.
  2. Stop thinking it has to be all or nothing. The opposite of perfect is not failure. I often say, even if you are taking baby steps, forward motion is forward motion. Never disregard small forward movement. Celebrate the small wins. 
  3. Change your mindset. The first step to feeling like you’re enough is changing your mindset and negative beliefs you have about yourself. Creating a mindset that isn’t filled with unrealistic expectations will help you cultivate a sense of well-being.
  4. Learn to let go. Try to let go of whatever it is that’s holding you back from accepting who you are. People who seek perfection are often trying to silence those voices from people who told them they weren’t good enough either through their words or their actions. You are not defined by what others say about you. Yes, those things were painful, but don’t let your pain, your past, or your emotions lead you to negative ideas about yourself and push you to never make any mistakes.
  5. Tell yourself something wonderful about you every day. The more you start to see that you are progressing in life, even with your missteps and mistakes, you will start to see that it is about making progress, not about trying to be perfect. NO ONE IS PERFECT!